Wednesday, February 23, 2005

The unsophisticated traveler

My sister's living in Paris at the moment. She took this week off to go to Helsinki (that's in Finland, northern Europe, Nordic countries, ring a bell?) It came to my attention that since she's been in Helsinki, she's been online quite often (morning, day and night), so last night I asked her why she'd gone all the way to Finland to be online all day. The reason was pretty "reasonable" in fact: it's too cold outside (14C below 0). So why would you go to Finland in the middle of the winter?? why not go to Greece for instance, or southern Spain, or just stay in Paris for god's sake, where you'll be comfortable, warm and not spending any money? Anyway, one of my dreams is to go to the North Pole, or maybe just get closer to it, cross the polar circle or something, so I ask her, why don't you take a tour to the polar circle, and she goes "what is that?" .... People who don't do the tiniest bit of research before traveling should not be allowed to travel. That would definitely save my dad a lot of money.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Nasty thoughts

Its tuesday already and the bitch in me , well she is not gone yet.
I blame it all on the ugly hangover that cought up with me sunday night, and in all the stuff marked as "DUE TODAY" in my agenda. Also in the fact that i have been eating chocolate like hell. I read somewhere that chocolate is a good substitute for love (or was it sex?)... i dont feel loved... i feel fat, AND guilty.

I blame it on the sky being so damn gray, and the weather so damn icky... I blame it on having no money and having lots of expenses. I blame it on wanting to be in love and just finding it so fkn hard... I blame it on the Mexican hotel owner bitch who made me feel stupid yesterday... i blame it on .. whatever...

I am feeling really mean too. I know I have to be polite, because what goes around comes around.... so i try, but my mind is having these nasty thoughts of things that i could do...


  • Call X's wife (a guy from work) and tell her that her husband went to a strip club last week and lied about it.
  • Get a rubber band, a couple of rocks and practice shooting at pigeons. ( I hate pigeons... I hate birds actually.. they crapped my car. it had just been washed)
  • Set a tarantulla free in the store from across the street. (The owner is a jerk, always moaning about having no change, so he keeps 10 or 20 cents of your money, and he knows zero about client service)
  • Spit in the door knob of my bosses office. (hes been getting on my nerves A LOT lately)
  • Slap A (my friend), who won the cards game we were playing on saturday, and kept repeating with this awful grin of satisfaction I WON ... I WON.. AND YOU DEAR.. YOU WON 5th PLACE (there were 5 of us yes...) (i love A though... hahaha.. ok i still want to slap him silly)
  • Tell this guy from work, when we go out for a smoke and he asks if he can have one of my ciggies: NO! no no no no noooooo
  • Burp out loud when the guy from the UPS comes in, and then snapping: You think Im nasty??? try smelling what comes from your arm pits!
  • Tell my nephew that Santa Claus does not exist
  • Make a remark on this guy from work's a ugly haircut.
  • Say a loud SHHHHH!!!! when my boss keeps extending awfully long meetings, saying nothing at all...
  • Steal Suzanne's gorgeus green dress.
  • And the shoes and purse that go with it. (Im sure she would lend them to me... but i want them to be mineeeee)

HA! i think I feel better now.

Monday, February 21, 2005

European bitch

I'm planning on taking a long weekend next month in San Miguel Allende, Mexico, and for some reason every nice hotel in town is fully booked. I've called each and every one of them, but there was one in particular "Villa Scorpio", where the owner, an old English lady, answered the phone, I asked if there were any rooms available, she answered with a plain "no", and then I asked "not even the Boveda room?" and she starts laughing! and says "I said we have no rooms available", so I asked "why are you laughing?", and she goes, "because I already said there are no rooms available and you're asking again", she hung up right after that. I was so annoyed that I had to call her back, just to let her know how rude she was, and how completely innapropriate that was considering she's the owner of the hotel and she's not even in her country!
This takes me back to Rome (last year), and to Paris (3 years ago). It's always the same with these Europeans, they probably take a course on "sarcasm" while training to run a hotel or a restaurant. And while being treated rudely could seem like a pretty common thing in any European big city (even in luxury hotels), since they must be sick of crowds and tourists, you cannot retire and come to America to run a Boutique hotel and expect your business to thrive on that same sarcasm that worked for you back in your country.
So, Mrs. Haskew, owner of Villa Scorpio (www.villascorpio.com) ... what a bitch... I hope you run out of business...

PD. People, this does not apply to the Irish, who really go out of their way to make you feel confortable in their country.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Biggest Fears

  • Situations out of my control
  • Breaking up
  • Losing my teeth
  • Loosing my hair
  • Being vulnerable
  • Words that hurt (saying them or receiving them)
  • Run over someone with my car
  • Death (from someone I love or my own)
  • To have a long, sick old age
  • Dobermans
  • Betray someone I love or Someone I love betraying me
  • Being awfuly fat and not being able to lose the extra weight
  • Nuclear weapons and/ or George Bush looking for them
  • Cancer, AIDS and all those bizzare, painful deseases with no cure
  • The girl from "The Ring", the girl from "The exorsist", the clown from "It"
  • Poverty
  • War
  • Loneliness
  • Pee Wee Herman and other child molestors
  • Loosing my memory
  • Michael Jackson's nose
  • Being left alone in a room full of idiots
  • Darkness
  • Rats
  • Farting in public
  • To cause a bad first impression
  • Gohsts and Spirits and Witches and Ware-wolves and vampires
  • Being raped
  • Being Mediocre
  • Blood
  • Reeses Pieces being taken out of sale
  • My boss when i mess up
  • My mom when she is stressed out, and my dad when he is disappointed
  • My brother when i accidentally touch him with my feet
  • Boring parties
  • Having to sit close to someone with bad breath
  • Having bad breath myself!! (or something in my teeth)
  • Talkative airplane seat neighbors (sometimes though..)
  • My friend Vanessa when she sees a cocroach
  • Diarrea
  • Bad Hangovers
  • Fights

Biorythm

FRIDAY finally!!!! But then again my biorythm is almost at its lowest point. This week, for a change... i was pretty nice to others and had quite enough energy on monday (i even went to my spinning class and did not slack off). Im a REAL BITCH on mondays. I even try to not speak to others because im such a witch. On the other hand, im a lot of fun on weekends (and then again who isnt?).

My weekend starts on thursdays... just because i decided they would. And because a couple of friends and i get together and spend hours talking and eating and smoking and drinking... or whatever. Yesterday i invited my friends over to my house. I was feeling tired as hell, DAMN BIORYTHM...couldnt move, yawning all day long...they left at 2 am, today...

My face looks a couple of years older. I had to drag myself out of bed to work today. I have a full agenda and my neurones dont seem to be making the right connections. I am wearing brown boots... and a BLACK PURSE!!!! my allergies arent getting any better, im such a procrastinator and have not called my doctor.

If i close my eyes, right now for a couple of seconds.. Pzzzzzzzzzz ........oops that was like 15 minutes!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

So its FRIDAY... i have to do something about this biorythm of mine... i will get my body and mind going and leave all the sleeping until its monday again. I HAVE A PARTY TONIGHT!!!!

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Shittiest jobs (or jobs I would rather not do)

- Fluffer girl at a gang bang.
- Chicken plucker.
- Butcher.
- Christina Aguilera's personal assistant.
- Bikini-ass waxer.
- Road kill removal crew.
- The person responsible for replacing urinal deodorizers.
- Dog food taster.
- Prision guard.
- Jessica Simpson's housekeeper.
- Porta-Pottie cleaner.
- Peep-show janitor.
- Burnt potato chip picker.
- Cotton picker.
- Funeral embalmer.
- Scabies inspector.
- Pimple popper (cosmetologist).
- The guy who plays Barney.

Did you dye your hair??

I really hate it that when you dye, cut, straighten, spike or do anything new with your hair, there are people who ask you if you did it. I mean, even if there is no doubt that you actually did it, they manage to ask you if you really did!
Your hair was brown yesterday.. today it's red, and then this dork comes up and asks you "did you dye your hair? , instead of just stating "Oh, you dyed your hair".
So here's what I say:

- No, I didn't, it's always been like that... ( check your glasses).
- No, I didn't, but really? is it red?? I didn't notice!! Oh my god! what the hell happened to my hair!!
- I didn't dye it, I filled my jacuzzi with strawberry kool aid last night ( I just love the smell of it)and that's how my hair came out.
- No, I didn't, but somebody must have, it's been red since I woke up this morning.


If I get asked "Did you cut your hair?" , I say:

- Yes, I did it myself, likey?
- Yes, I did it myself, do you want me to cut yours?
- No, why? does it seem shorter today?
- No I didn't, I used the blow dryer and it completely shrunk.
- No, it must have been some new product I tried on. Oh my god, it does seem shorter!


And, this one has never happened to me, but I just thought of it: what do you say when people ask you: "Is that a mullet?", or "did you get a mullet?"
Say nothing... shave your head... or better, shoot yourself..

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

High School deja vĂș

There is one thing I completely forgot to include in the "allergies" list, and that is having to speak in public. Notice that it is not the action of "speaking in public" that bothers me, I am perfectly okay with the idea if it is the result of a voluntary action, specially if I have something to say that I believe will be of some use to the people present.
But being pushed, forced, obliged to speak in public is absolutely hateful.
So today (and yesterday and the day before yesterday), I've been hating the assholes at my job who had the "bright" idea of making everyone (including me) prepare a speech about the fulfillment of our goals in 2004. But that's not all, they even made a drawing of 10 names out of 300, to make the speech in front of everybody at the anual results meeting.
What the hell were they thinking? .... we're adults, this is not High School anymore.
Luckily, my name didn't show up in the fkng list of 10. But after this incident, I am even less proud of working for this company. So, this is for you, the assholes at my job who for some sick reason needed to feel like high school math teachers by making us re-live the pressure of final exams, shame on you!! I wish you forget to zip your pants the next time you speak in public.

Allergies

I guess im allergic to work... my nose is not runny unless im in my office.
Lately my eyes hurt a bit too... It wouldnt matter if i didnt have to talk on the phone all day. People notice runny noses and that is something I dont like. I can lose some respect for people who breath in their boogers... not a nice thought.

My stomach hurts some too. I drank a glass of orange juice in the morning despite my stomach had given me warning number one. Then I was starving and decided to eat a handful of cookies, which got the carb urge started and the only thing that can calm this is another handful of Reeses pieces.. darn... i should be allergic to those too.

I should also be allergic of problem relationships. I should be allergic to heart pain, and to tension.

You know what other stuff casues me allergies ?

1. Bangs
2. Ugly shoes
3. Dirty shoes
4. Hands that arent taken care of.
5. Bad smells
6. Warm Seats
7. Eggs
8. Loud people
9. Ugly Teeth
10. cell phones with stupid tones
11. people who cant get off their damn cell phones for a minute.
12. people with no tolerance (ha!)

i could go on. but my stomach is hurting bad and i have to go get a kleenex.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

A day after Valentines

So it was valentines day yesterday. And like previous years i didnt expect it neither with joy nor with excitement.

I saw a couple of blogs yesterday and most of them were wishing a happy valentines day. Some people at work even brought candy to give away... like a token of their sincere friendship... (i like chocolate a lot.. thank you cupid)... some flowers passed back and forth... hugs and kisses... yes i saw a couple of people do that...

I have this friend who called me and said: im not calling you because it is valentines day, i hate valentines day... im calling you because i miss you and i wanted to say hello... hahaha this made me laugh!!

And it also me think about the day and its effect on people around me. Most of my friends HATE valentines day. And im surrounded by a wide variety of people.... but the comments i got about yesterday were not good for valentines reputation.. Here are some good reasons to hate valentines day:

1. Not having a boyfriend- girlfriend (or wife-husband whatever the case). After a quite long period of time of being looking for one.
2. Having one who is a jerk
3. Not having money and feeling the pressure to make gifts
4. Not receiving any gifts
5. Getting fired on that day
6. Breaking up on that day
7. Spending money on "the one you love" and finding out this person spent no money on you but some on someone else.
8. Feeling pathetically lonely
9. Spending money on "the one you love" to find out this person HATED what you got her/him.
10. All restaurants are full
11. All stores are full
12. Your credit card is full
13. You eat a lot so YOU are FULL and cant sleep because of tummy ache and remorse (and you were supposed to be on an after-christmas diet...oops busted.. MY CASE)

I must admit something. I am Valentine's anti Christ. I swear i am... But i must admit this year wasnt that bad... perhaps im growing old... i wonder if i will like Christmas next.....

Monday, February 14, 2005

Mean AND UGLY

There is no good reason (Ive searched my mind and my heart for years) to be mean to others. [Others: any other living creature.] Sometimes in some periods of your life you are mean for fun.. which is not good... Ok, I have to admit it.. ive been mean to others sometimes... but ive stood up for other people when others are being mean to them too!!! ok, this is sounding pretty self defensive. Lets get to the point.

There is this girl at my office. She is not pretty. Actually... she is pretty UGLY. If that wasnt enough... she is the meanest jerk ive met in this company. She is like a younger female version of Mr. Burns (from the Simpsons). Shes got the same body complexion now that im thinking about it.... yuk... i dont want to picture thaaat ok ok ok stop.

So i wonder. You can be a bitch. We live in a free country. Go ahead and be a bitch. But there is no way in the world you can be the ugliest son of a bitch ever and be mean as well.. you cant get away with that.. noo... not in my parameter book.

In my parameter book the following rules:

1. Pretty people can be mean because you already hate them for being beautiful.
2. People with ugly facaes but great bodies can be mean because you already hate them for having nice bodies.
3. People with extra good luck can be mean because you already hate them because of their luck.
4. People with cute/nice boy/girlfiend can be mean because you already hate them because of their significant other.
5. People with good jobs can be mean because you already hate them because of their jobs and pays

So dear Ugly&Mean lady (oohh im being so polite here hahaha) THE FOLLOWING IS FOR YOU:

STOP ACTING LIKE YOU ARE SOME KIND OF SUPERIOR BEING. I BET YOUR DOG HATES YOU TOO. NEXT TIME I HEAR YOU SCREAMING AT THE CLEANING LADY I SWEAR I WILL PUNCH YOU SOMEWHERE (THE FACE IS IN SINCE IT WOULDNT HARM YOU TO HAVE A COUPLE OF SCARS OR MISSING TEETH YOUD BE UGLY ANYHOW).
LET PEOPLE DO THEIR JOBS, YOU ARE NOT EVERYBODY'S BOSS. ACTUALLY NO ONE WORKS FOR YOU BEATCHIE...

NARKING IS FOR 6 YEAR OLDS. YOU ARE AT LEAST 30... (THIS WAS MY NICE SIDE TOO... YOU ACTUALLY LOOK OLDER... WAY WAY OLDER, AND ITS NOT YOUR EIGHTIES WORN UP STYLE).. GROW UP. BY THE WAY.. THE BOSS IS GETTING TIRED OF THAT... AND GUESS WHO HE TOLD THIS TO... AND GUESS IF THIS PERSON STOOD UP FOR YOU.... YOU GOT THAT RIGHT...

AND DEAR...DO ALL OF US A FAVOR AND WEAR MAKE-UP... IT WAS MADE TO HELP PEOPLE LOOK BETTER, AND LET ME TELL YOU, IN THIS DEPARTMENT, YOU DO NEED SOME HELP.

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS "GOOD MORNING" OR "HELLO", YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO ANSWER. WHEN SOMEONE SNEEZES YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SAY "BLESS YOU" . HOMEWORK: LOOK UP FOR THE WORD "THANK YOU" AND LEARN HOW TO USE IT. THIS IS TO HELP PEOPLE THINK YOU ARENT AS STUPID AS YOU LOOK WHEN YOU JUST STARE AT THEM.

AND IF YOU ARE SO INTRIGUED ABOUT MY LOOK, JUST ASK. IM GETTING TIRED OF DOING THE CATWALK FOR YOU EVERY MORNING... OOPS...OH SORRY... I FORGOT YOU CANT AFFORD NICE CLOTHES OR HAIRSTYLES... MMM BUMMER... I FEEL A TEAR.. I FEEL A TEAR.. NOPE.. ITS GONE NOW..

Friday, February 11, 2005

Ash Wednesday's Biggest Moron

It was this wednesday. Oh big Ash Wednesday for all the goodie goodie Catholics (with all due respect for the REAL Good Catholics). So, I was driving doing some errands, in a hurry kind of, since it was a bit late and places close for the night you know? ok, so Im in this two lane main street, and Im about to pass right in front of a Church, cars behind me, cars ahead of me, cars in the lane next to me...

So this woman in a mini van (ok you read that right... it was no bike... no scooter... no cane..) decided to park right there!!! close to the sidewalk yes, but leaving no room for the cars to pass. I had to make a full stop, and so did the cars behind me. Did she care? mmmm ... no. Did she think twice about the parking spot her brilliant mind had chosen? ... mmmm... no. Did her car have a handicap sticker, was she unable to walk or see or was she pregnant???? mmm... NO...

All cars tried to make her react to her sudden act of stupidity .. I think maybe she needed some attention at the time or likes to be stared at or... oh well... These and all kinds of thougts were in mi mind while I was trying to switch lanes (like all the cars behind me).

My most objective conclusion about this whole situation is: Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent. Lent is a period of meditation and sacrifice and trying to be the best Catholic you can. You fast on Ash wednesday. Fasting is a sacrifice. Walking (try a block) is a sacrifice as well.

A. She had fasted, she was weak. she couldnt walk a couple of yards.
B. Sacrifices are though... fasting is a big one... which means you dont need to sacrifice anymore.
C. She likes being fat, since she is and she likes no exercise at all.. (if she cant walk some i cant picture her jogging neither doing pilates)
D. She wants to show the world that she lives on the edge... doing as she wishes... parking where her heart tells her to.
E. She wanted the most people to notice her new hair style or her new coat.

Ok.. I can go on and on, but I wont. Someone please explain to me why THE LAZY MORON CAN IGNORE TRAFFIC AND RESPECT FOR OTHER DIRVERS SO EASILY... hole in the brain ??? ... like a HUGE ONE??!!!!!

Is that your bag?

I was at a party the other day and I noticed a particularly ugly, flashy, satin blue, beaded handbag. I struggled not to make any remarks about it, since I didn't know who the owner was. Before leaving, as walked to the door, someone asked "Wait! aren't you going to take your bag?", as he handed me the horrible blue cotton candy-like thing. I told him it was not my bag, to which he replied "sorry, I could have sworn it was yours, it's just so you!!!".