Friday, March 31, 2006

When Drunk..

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have noco-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Racism

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain isJewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it'sobvious by the silence that they don't get along.

After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters, "Idon't like Chinese."
The First Officer replies, "Oooooh, no likee Chinese? Why dat?"
"You bombed Pearl harbor. That's why I don't likeChinese."
"Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. ThatJapanese, not Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese...it doesn't matter,they're all alike."

Another thirty minutes of silence.
Finally the First Officer says, "No likee Jew."
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
"No, no. The Jews didn't sink theTitanic. It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, nomattah...all same".

Monday, March 27, 2006

Widdle Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks: "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Shame on me

Because i just stole a candy bar.... from my boss's office... and i cant feel remorse. i hadnt stolen anything i think since i was a kid and stole crayons from kinder garden and then my mom made me give them back and apologize to my teacher...

Well, then i stole small stuff from the mini mart close to home, these times (not many i should point out) i didnt tell my mother, because id eaten the robbery already so what would i give back?

Oh and when i was a teenager i stole other stuff.....

Darn i think im a robber.

I ate the chocolate already, it was alright and i was starving, and i saw it laying there like for a week and no one paid attention to it... so im sure it wont be missed.

this post is sooooo pathetic... lets see who are the ones who read it before i decide to stop portraying myself like such a loser and erase it. ASAP!!!!!

Monday, March 20, 2006

I dont like Mondays

"...And he can see no reason
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?
Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays..
I want to shoot
The whole day down."




I hate mondays,
...but i love bob geldof

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

How to annoy brothers (or others) Lesson 1

  • breath really hard when they are concentrating on something. When they notice you stop, then when they forget about it you keep doing it
  • dont let go of the remote
  • ask if you can watch a really really important show on tv. when they agree, switch to the Telletubbies (and sing... that is extra)
  • if they are reading a book, magazine or newspaper, try to read what they are reading, or read the back of it
  • when having a conversation, say continuously "oh how cool" (or how uncool, depending on your mood)
  • when watching tv, suddenly ask them: "did you hear that?" and pretend there is some strange noise around... do it continuously, when they look like they are ready to scream or punch you, start singing something pointing at your ear and say: did you hear that?
  • tell them, after a discussion, that you will fart in their pillow, when they are not watching
  • tell them out of the blue: what does it feel like, to be adopted
  • say: oh your girlfriend looks like a hen... and then say something like: shes kinda cute like a chicken kinda... (i love this one)
  • smile at them, look at them smiling and then say... "forget about it..."

i will continue sharing...

(hey take a look at my new blog pet FEROZ!!! how cool is he)

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Reasons why I dont like pigeons

  • I dont like birds in general
  • They are like flying rats
  • i remember Alfred Hitchcock's " The Birds" movie and feel TERROR
  • im always afraid they will poop on my head
  • one ran after me one time
  • they smell really bad
  • they are full of parasites
  • they are not good looking
  • i saw one trying to get a female pigeon and he was the rudest lover ever... and didnt move very gracefully

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Abilities and Disabilities (part 1)

ABILITIES
  • i can remember names and faces for years
  • i can carry like ten thousand things at the same time as long as they arent way heavy
  • kids like me and find me way amuzing
  • when i know about something.... i know
  • i can predict how a story is going to end
  • i am a good advice giver

DISABILITIES

  • I cant parallel park
  • i cant skii
  • i cant cook very complicated stuff
  • i cant live without my glasses
  • i cant remember the lyrics for most songs
  • i cant lie well